


tell the saint of lost souls (where to find me)

by heavenindaylight



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Love, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:41:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23889886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heavenindaylight/pseuds/heavenindaylight
Summary: She was home. His home. Inspired by the song "Someone Who Loves Me" by Sara Bareilles. One-shot.
Relationships: Donna Paulsen & Harvey Specter, Donna Paulsen/Harvey Specter
Kudos: 10





	tell the saint of lost souls (where to find me)

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been brewing in my head for a long time, and I had actually kinda given up on it. But after my wonderful betas convinced me I might be on to something, I thought it was worth sharing after all, instead of throwing it in the trash. So it's time for me to part with it, and share it with you.
> 
> Give Sara's song a listen if you haven’t already. It's beautiful!
> 
> Thank you to my betas Yvonne, Blue and liz! As always reviews are greatly appreciated. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

...

**_Could I rest here for a while_ **

**_Near that medal 'round your neck_ **

**_St. Jude's wearing a smile_ **

**_He wouldn't mind I bet_ **

...

Harvey had proposed the idea in her office earlier that evening. The thought had lingered for a while, and the more time went by, the more sense it made to him. He needed a change.  _ They  _ needed a change. But it wasn’t his decision to make. It was theirs. Because he wouldn’t do it without her, and he needed her guidance.

Donna had been on board with it, without much hesitation at all. To be honest he was a little surprised that she didn’t need more convincing than she did. But like she said, the most important thing was that whatever they chose to do,  _ wherever _ they decided to go, that they were in it together. 

So when the decision to step down and move to Seattle was made, he felt a lot more confident knowing she’d made it with him. She was and always had been his compass, nudging him in the right direction every time he went off course. And that thought triggered his words as he rested his head on her naked chest, still sweaty and hearts beating after their collective high.

“I don’t tell you this enough,” Harvey said, still catching his breath. “But I’d be completely lost without you.”

Donna chuckled, a bit confused by the timing of his words. “You’re only now realizing that?”

He laughed with her. “I mean, I always knew, but lately I feel like I’ve really come to  _ know. _ ”

“What brought on this epiphany of yours?” Her brows frowned with curiosity.

He paused then, gathering his thoughts, for them to make sense through his spoken words. “You’ve always been honest with me and voiced your opinion about what I should or shouldn’t do, whether I’ve asked you or not,” he said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as he got lost in her hazel eyes. “I may not have always understood how much I appreciated it or that I even wanted you to. But lately, I’ve realized that I do. I  _ want _ you to.”

Tears welled in her eyes then, as a soft smile formed on her lips.

“You’ve always stood by me no matter the decisions I’ve made, and I love you for that,” he continued. “But looking back, it’s the times I’ve listened to  _ you _ that I’ve been able to choose the right path and make wise decisions. I want to keep making the right decisions. And I obviously need your help to do just that.”

“You’re underestimating yourself, Harvey.”

“Maybe.” He breathed. “But counting the times you’ve saved me from some serious shit, I’m not gonna take any chances. To be honest, you deserve some kind of medal!”

His words were covered in humor, but the seriousness still seeped through. She was such a fundamental part of every major decision he’d made in his life ever since she entered it. Without her, who knows where he’d be today. The thought was too frightening to imagine, so he’d rather stay in the present, all the while caressing her cheek and breathing in her intoxicating scent. 

“I’d look damn good in a medal, wouldn’t I?” Donna winked, eliciting a laugh from Harvey.

“You sure would,” he said, finding her lips before he lay his head on her chest again as he slowly dozed off to sleep.

...

**_I can't go face the world_ **

**_My bones won't hold me up_ **

**_So tell the saint of lost souls where to find me_ **

**_Softly sleepin' here in the deep end of someone who loves me_ **

...

The sun woke him up, gleaming through the windows of his bedroom, making it difficult for him to open his eyes. It was already hard enough, seeing as his eyes were swollen from last night, all cried out, his body tired and spent. 

This new reality was too grave to fathom, the timing so cruel he didn’t know if he should laugh or cry. He’d finally allowed happiness and love into his life, and now fate suddenly decided to pull the rug from under him. The only thing keeping him from falling apart was the warm embrace he was currently resting in.

He could feel her warm breath on him, her lips slowly kissing the top of his head. Comforting and soothing. She knew what he needed. She always had. And he loved her for it.

“Hey.” Donna’s voice was barely above a whisper.

He couldn’t muster an answer so he just turned towards her, meeting her eyes, hoping she understood what he wanted to say.

“I know,” she finally said, lips quivering as tears threatened to spill. “I really would’ve loved to meet her too.”

“It just makes me so angry.”

“You have every right to be, Harvey.”

“I really wish I’d gotten my shit together sooner.” He sniffed, drying away the tears that had fallen.

“Harvey...”   
  


“I wish I hadn’t spent so many years being angry at her. I didn’t think it then, but now that it’s too late, I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been. I wasted so many years.” He breathed heavily through the sobs, his throat constricted as his words barely came through. “I will never get that time back and it makes me so... angry! And I’m  _ really _ tired of being angry.”

“I get that,” she said softly, wiping a tear away from his cheek.    
  


“And I didn’t just waste time with  _ her _ , but with you as well. ‘Cause if I hadn’t, you would’ve been able to meet her, and we could have created so many memories together. But now… We’ll never get to do that.” He paused, swallowing the emotion in his throat. “And that makes me even angrier. But most of all, it breaks my heart, and I don’t know what to do with that.”

Tears spilled, and his own honesty took him by surprise. But she did that to him. She gave him no choice but to be completely open about how he was feeling. And even though he was in excruciating pain, her presence and her comforting touch, made the unbearable bearable.

“Harvey. I don’t want you to think like that. I know it’s hard not to, but we can’t change the past, and even if we could I don’t know if I’d want to,” she said, tracing comforting patterns on his arm. 

“Why not?”

“Because there’d be no guarantee we’d end up where we are right now.  _ Together _ . And I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to change that for anything.”

“Donna, I didn’t mean it like that —”

“I know,” she said, her voice steady as her eyes met his. “I can’t protect you from pain, Harvey. But I’ll walk through it  _ with _ you.”

That made him smile. He gave her a soft kiss then, as a thank you, leaving her lips saltier than before. He found his way back to the crook of her neck, letting her continue leaving soothing kisses on his forehead, and caressing the nape of his neck. 

They lay there for a while, Harvey slowly falling back to sleep when he suddenly heard Donna’s voice again. 

“And as you should know by now, I’ll never leave you. I love you too much.”

...

**_You'll let me cry it out_ **

**_'Cause you know that sometimes I can't stop_ **

**_And still I'm seeking how_ **

**_To stand up when the bottom drops_ **

...

The ringing in his ears was so loud he felt like his head was about to explode, even though he knew they were standing in complete silence. Donna’s eyes pierced his, searching for the smallest signal as to know he’d heard the words she’d just said.

Only seconds passed, but to him, it felt like an eternity, his breath had stopped and his chest tightened with pain so grave he’d only ever felt once before. Maybe twice.

That well-known feeling of his vision getting blurred got cut off by her arms wrapping around him, her nose digging into his neck. His breath staggered.

“I got you,” she whispered.

And she did. His whole world had just crumbled around him.  _ My mother is gone. _ With his legs buckling beneath him, Donna’s slender frame still carried him and all his burdens in that moment. All his emotions and all his tears, until he was emptied out. He needed her to.

And he let her.

...

**_The weight of all the world_ **

**_Can blind me to its beauty_ **

...

Samantha’s words rang in his ears, like an alarm not willing to stop until he actioned. He’d known for a while, but everything going on lately had blurred his sight, not able to see what really mattered.  _ Who _ really mattered.

Donna.

The sudden clarity being the reason he excused himself as he stood up from the office chair. And then he ran. Until he was out of breath. Until his rough hands knocked on her door, and she opened up. The look in her eyes reassuring him he’d come to the right place, at the right time.

She stepped back. 

An invitation.

One that he accepted.

As he stepped forward and his lips met hers, everything finally fell into place. The burden of the last few days, months, years even, evaporated in that moment. Nothing else mattered anymore. 

Nothing, except  _ her.  _

Everything about her just felt…  _ right _ . The way her lips perfectly aligned with his. The way her eyes bore into his soul, silently asking if he was sure this time. How easy it was to lift her off the ground and pin her to the wall. Her body trapped against his, fitting like two pieces of a puzzle making a whole. The freckled skin under his fingertips, the heat of her heightened pulse beating in sync with his heart. The fullness of her breast fitting perfectly in his palm. His nose breathing in the familiar scent of her. His hardened groin meeting her heated center, a promise of what’s to come. Their hands entwined as she pushed herself from the hallway table, guiding him towards her bedroom. 

Everything changed in that moment. 

Finally, they reconnected. 

And it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever experienced.

_ She _ was home. His home.

...

**_But every time I need to be reminded_ **

**_I know you will, and say you're still someone who loves me_ **

...

He’d heard her loud and clear. He hadn’t liked it at the time, but he knew she was right. She always was.

He’d needed the reminder that the firm wasn’t his only family, even though they both knew it had felt like that for the longest time. The pain of his mother’s past mistakes had been too grave for him to touch even with a ten-foot pole. But he’d worked through those issues in therapy and the next step on the road to healing was to reconcile with his mother. He knew it, Donna knew it. That’s why she’d shown up at his doorstep to make sure he wouldn’t back out.

But as with all things heavy and burdened, he struggled to see the possibility of a positive outcome, still colored with rage and hurt by the past, doubt still heavy on his heart.

So when he voiced his insecurities and Donna showed through her words that she had faith in him, and believed he was ready to forgive his mother, a recognizable warm feeling crept its way back into his body. He’d felt it before, several times. But he couldn’t label it. Or he wouldn’t. Because the last time he’d let himself lean even just an inch into those feelings, and said those three words, he screwed up. She’d said them back, but then she’d left. 

He couldn’t risk losing her again. 

He kept quiet instead. Not willing to expose himself to the beauty the two of them could become, because he was too afraid of looking in that direction again and being blindsided by his own subconscious. But when his mother asked, he didn’t think twice before giving credit where credit was due, ‘someone special’ the words that escaped his tongue.

It was the truth though. 

She was.

His.

And he was hers.

In their own way, without being  _ that. _

Yet.

...

**_I try to push it down_ **

**_But it comes back faster and harder_ **

**_Tides are changing on a dime_ **

**_And I'm just trying to keep my head above the water_ **

...

It was the third one today. His heart was hammering fast in his chest, breath heaving and his eyesight blurred to the extent he couldn’t point out his own reflection in the mirror he was staring into.  _ These fucking panic attacks. _

He’d been staring at her empty desk all day, the feeling of abandonment swallowing him whole. He couldn’t stand it anymore, so he left. When he came home from work thirty minutes ago, he hoped the change of scenery would help him calm down. But the quiet and solitude was excruciating and had in no way helped his train of thought to halt. 

Then he spiraled.

His lack of control was catching up to him. He’d tried to deny it for the longest time, but he’d fucked up big today, letting down a long-time client because he forgot to send some documents in time which made the client lose out on a huge deal.  _ Something that wasn’t his job and would never have happened if only she’d been there to… _

He couldn’t let his mind go there. Not again. He wouldn’t let her affect him in this way. She’d made up her mind, and he had to live with the consequences. So he swallowed hard, stumbled his way into the shower and turned it on, ice-cold water now streaming down his still fully clothed body.

He stood there for what seemed like an eternity until his breathing leveled and he couldn’t feel his toes anymore. Disposing himself of his now ruined suit, he grabbed a towel and dried himself off before heading to bed for some much-needed sleep.

That’s when he heard the buzz from his phone. Reaching for it, he read the message that popped up on his screen:

**_‘I heard you’ve been having a hard time and that you’re seeing someone. I’m really proud of you, Harvey.’_ **

His breath staggered, as a sense of calm spread through him. She’d reached out at a time he thought he was the last thing on her mind. He didn’t know how to respond to that, so he chose the shortest possible answer.

**_‘Thanks.’_ **

Mere seconds went by before three well-known bubbles appeared, and Donna’s reply followed.

**_‘If you ever need anything, I’m still here.’_ **

Swallowing hard, he tried to push down the feeling those words stirred in him. He smiled while his fingers moved fast across the screen before he had the time to think too much, yet again hitting the send button.

**_‘I know.’_ **

Slightly baffled, he lay down on his bed, covering his body with the sheets, and closed his eyes ready to drift off into oblivion. 

But all he could see was  _ red _ .

Just like every night since she left.

...

**_Surrender's just a word_ **

**_'Til you try it out_ **

**_And see how hard it is to hurt_ **

**_With someone else around_ **

...

She’d given him the news earlier that day. It broke him. All he wanted was for her to comfort him, find solace in her embrace. But he couldn’t. Because  _ they _ didn’t touch.

Not since  _ the other time. _

When he found her sitting in his office later that night after hours, a glass of scotch in her hands accompanying the recognizable tunes of his father playing the saxophone, the overwhelming feeling of guilt and anger rushed through his veins. He knew he wasn’t being fair to her, but he couldn’t stop himself.

“What the hell are you doing?” he yelled, rushing through the doors, his head boiling.

Donna jumped from her chair, shocked at his reaction. “I just thought we could —”

“Well, you thought wrong.” 

The veins on his neck were visibly pulsating, as he stomped over to the record player, making the music come to a halt.

Donna breathed, tucking away a strand of hair as she took in the frail figure of the man standing before her. He was obviously hurting. 

“You don’t have to pretend with me, Harvey.” Her voice was soft, but never wavered. 

“Donna…” he huffed, through gritted teeth. “I’m not.”

“You are, though.” She wouldn’t let him off the hook. She couldn’t. She knew he needed her not to. “You’re pretending to be okay, but you’re not,” she said, her warm comforting eyes piercing into his soul. 

“You have to let yourself grieve, Harvey.”

There was a long pause. He gazed out of the window, thoughtlessly hoping he’d find some comfort in the city below. 

“I can’t”

“Why not?” she dared. 

“Because if I do,” he said, voice trembling, “it makes everything real. And I don’t know if I can handle a reality in which my dad…”

He couldn’t finish the sentence. The words too painful to vocalize.

“Hey! Hey… it’s okay,” she said, reaching for his shoulder, apparently forgetting all about their unspoken agreement. 

He hurt too much to care. “I don’t want to burden you with my pain, Donna”

“You could never,” she said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Even though you’re my boss, Harvey, I still consider you my friend. And I care about you.”

He gave her a soft smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. 

“Right. Friends,” he said, barely above a whisper.

She squeezed his shoulder then, nudging him towards her. “Hey, come here.”

They were hugging before he could stop her. Her long arms embraced him like a cocoon, her soft cheek meeting his shaven one. Her warmth felt safe, like a harbor, as if he’d finally come home. As if it was okay to be himself, not keeping his armor up anymore. So he surrendered in her arms, until there were no tears left to spill. 

But it didn’t  _ mean  _ anything. 

...

**_I'm the worst I've ever been_ **

**_Afraid of almost everything_ **

**_The skies are clear but storms are always comin'_ **

...

  
  


It was early morning, the sun was just about to rise across the cityscape. The warm sheets were comforting, even though they were sticky and unfamiliar. 

They weren’t his.

Turning around in bed, his eyes landed on the red tresses of hair he’d indulged himself in the night before. They were framing her cream-colored, freckled face. Her rosy lips which he so badly wanted to kiss again were emanating air at a slow pace. She was still sleeping, and he didn’t want to wake her. 

She was perfect. Even more so than he’d imagined.

Memories of his and Donna’s entangled limbs, hot breaths and bodies uniting, flew across his mind as he absentmindedly reached out to touch her skin. The scene felt oddly domestic and an abrupt sense of belonging cursed through his body, everything suddenly becoming too much. 

His hand paused in the air, just short of an inch from her arm.  _ Was he about to caress her? _

He couldn’t. 

He had to leave. 

He’d just fucked her, and it had been mind-blowingly amazing, even life-changing. They didn’t work together anymore so nothing was stopping them. 

Them. 

_ Together. _

They were just too damn perfect, but he had a track record of fucking up. He couldn’t fuck this up. He couldn’t fuck  _ them _ up. Because if he did, he’d lose her. He couldn’t have that. He cared about her too much, even though he’d never tell her that. He might even lo—

_ No.  _

That was an illusion. It didn’t exist. His parent’s failed marriage proved that. He wouldn’t trick himself into believing it would ever be in the cards for him. 

He couldn’t. 

He had to leave. 

So he left. 

Then, he asked her to come back.

And despite the perplexed look in her eyes, she did. 

...

**_Your gift to me_ **

**_Is just to be_ **

**_Bracing for the winds I always summon_ **

…

  
  


She’d warned him. Not only that, she’d flat out told him that what he did was wrong. He didn’t listen. He’d been a prick really and told her some bullshit about how he was here and she was  _ here _ , referring to their difference in rank, a blueprint of the crap Cameron kept throwing his way. 

He really should’ve listened, because when Cameron told him they weren’t disclosing that document, he felt an unease he’d never felt before. He knew it was wrong, yet he went along with it anyway. He threw his ethics out the window, in order to please the existing power structure of the DA’s office.

That was until Donna, once again, called him out on his bullshit. How what he’d initially done was in the gray, whilst his latest actions, or more precisely lack thereof was illegal. He told her it was because he didn’t want her to hate him. And that was the truth, but to be honest he couldn’t live with her disappointment. So when she said she’d been up all night figuring out how Cameron had been playing a dirty game for years, he couldn’t help but wonder why.

Why had she gone out of her way to protect him like this, to keep him from making a huge mistake, a mistake that could’ve ruined his career before it had even taken off? She told him she wasn’t just some other secretary, she’d always voice her opinion. She’d continue to keep him from stepping in shit as he’d just done, even though it wasn’t in her job description. 

So when Harvey handed Cameron his resignation, he couldn’t help but feel immense gratitude towards Donna for steering him away from a huge pitfall. She’d seen the storm coming from miles away and guided him in the right direction. He liked that. He needed that. 

Then it suddenly dawned on him.

They didn’t work together anymore.

...

**_My home, my heart_ **

...

It just clicked. Suddenly, it made sense to ask her now. The setting wasn’t perfect, seeing as they were at their friends’ wedding, but he didn’t care.  _ She’s _ perfect and that’s all that mattered. He didn’t want to waste any more time. He’d done that enough already. 

He’d known for some time that he’d end up asking her, probably longer than he cared to admit. Not just formally popping the question, or putting a ring on her finger. Those were just details. He’d  _ known _ , deep in his heart, probably since the day they met in that bar.

Meeting her hazel eyes for the first time, he knew she had stolen his heart. But when his hand met hers in their first-ever handshake, he’d been struck by this familiarity, a comfort he’d never felt before. At least not since his mom left. Holding Donna’s hand gave him a sense of safety, like he could trust her completely. She felt like  _ home _ .

And she’d never left. Not really. She’d stayed with him through every hurdle ever since they met, being a beacon of light when he’d been consumed by darkness, fear, felt weak or even lost. If that wasn’t a declaration of love, he didn’t know what was. So there was no doubt in his mind that the woman sitting across the table in that beautiful flowered black dress was the love of his life, and he couldn’t wait any longer to ask her to become his wife.

Because he wanted to thank her.

For standing by him. 

Through everything.

And loving him. 

_ Every _ version of him.

....

**_Thank God you are_ **

**_Someone who loves me_ **

.. _. _


End file.
